RUN, BABY, RUN…

This is the first of a two-part piece written by a good friend Osimi. He's taken an interesting view of the race to succeed Ghana's president John Agyekum Kufuor.

Musings of a mortal on the elephants race to heaven

What will make a man, apparently sane and in control of all his faculties, take two hundred and fifty million ‘unGhanaian’ cedis (¢250,000,000.00) and with a smile on his face, promptly flush it down the toilet? Pause, reflect, and ask again?

What will make reasonable men, turned elephants, spend loads of time, energy, money, goods, and more money on an event, fully cognizant that it will bear no apparent fruit? To the mortal mind like yours and mine, this is tomfoolery bordering on buffoonery straddling insanity. That is to the mortal mind. If you thought so, you are in good company. But please do think again!!! To the racing elephants, things are not as fuzzy as your mind makes it appear to be.

It is a race to heaven! At the last count, I believe there were 19 elephants in the race. Let us hazard a list of these elephants, not necessarily in order of proximity to heaven: Ocquaye, Nana Addo, Yaw Sarfo, Kennedy, Apraku, Jake, Hackman, Agyepong the Elder, Agyepong the Younger, Alan the Cash, Dan the Botwe, Agyarko. Who else? OK, let me count how many elephants I have so far. 12! Who is missing? Yes, my man from Tokyo…the elephant who entered the race at the last turn and says he has more energy than all the rest…Adjei-Barwuah! Oh, Captain, forgive me. I nearly forgot you. Yes, there is the tuobodom General himself, the captain whose nkrabea is the palace! But some elephants are still missing! I confess that I cannot readily get all the names but I promise to drop them in as soon as any pops into my head in the course of this piece.

Lets ask again, what will make all these men, leave their juicy…aah, another name just dropped. This exercise is recommended for everyone interested in heavenly races. Just take a piece of paper, give yourself five minutes and try to write down all the names of the elephants in the race. Don’t cheat. I am ready to wager. You will miss out on a few like am doing right now. K4 the Younger! With Christina sweeping the vote in a landslide, albeit faraway, I bet your campaign has got itself a very welcome boost. Yes, the President’s brother who wants to be king. That’s elephant #15 and counting! What will make these elephants leave their plump ministerial and other jobs (don’t believe anything they say about the government jobs being thankless and sacrificial) and go in search of the Holy Grail? I will try and psychoanalyze from a mortal’s perspective, some of the arguments and motivations for running the race to heaven. No one has sent me. I have sent myself on this mission possible!!! But another name just dropped again. It would have been hari kiri if I had forgotten what with the hounds out for reasons to hate an elephant. It’s the near –man who wants to be king. H.E. Aliu Mahama, Veep, Republic of Ghana 2001-2009. That doesn’t look and sound elegant enough so we better stake for the ultimate: H.E. Aliu Mahama, President of the Republic of Ghana, 2009-2013; President of the United States of West Africa 2013-2015. I hope you appreciate by now the difficulty in getting all the names at a go. I only remembered because I write my pieces over a period when I can make time for it and since I begun days ago, there’s been brouhaha about the Veep and the Elephant Gamekeepers. It’s only then that his name dropped. I therefore decided to solicit the help of my manager so we can get all the names down once and for all. I sat her down and called them out, one by one. My manager popped out Dr. Afro himself. Prof. Kwabena Frimpong-Boateng!!! So what will make a very high achieving, world renowned cardiologist and head of Ogyakrom’s best teaching hospital drop his executive position and wade into the muddy political waters in which these elephants are running the race to heaven? Lets do the elephant roll call again: Yaw Sarfo, Nana, Kennedy (not American), Apraku, Jake, Ocquaye, Hackman, Agyepong the Younger, Agyepong the Elder, Alan Cash, Kwaku Botwe, Boakye Agyarko, Agyei-Barwuah, Nkrabea (has he filed), K4 the Younger, Aliu, Dr. Afro. Phew! My count reveals 17 names. I still can’t place who am missing because I know there are 19 pretenders to the throne of the Elephant. I give up!!! Readers may help me out!

So I pose the question for the last time. What will make all these fine elephants of positive change chase the Golden Fleece to the Palace of Dreams? These represent my hallucinations about the motivations behind the race:

Motivations

a. Divine Apportionment

This can apply to all. Now is the season where the pastors who no longer fear or ‘shy’ Yeshua Amashua, will pick and choose which of the elephants has a marginal propensity to drop cash for prophetic unction. I have heard on radio that the prophecies have begun already. Yeshua Amashua has revealed to me alone, that you, Ogyakrom Osagyefo has been ordained by the Almighty to rule. I saw God put a red seal on your forehead, plant a red, gold, green, black-starred flag in your right hand and cause a bright light to envelope your head. Then I saw 2008 on a poster with your picture on it. Then I saw 18 elephants all roll down and bow before you. You are king indeed! Some of the elephants will believe these African movies and dole out some cash. After all, Yeshua has so many embassies in Ogaykrom, each manned by ambassadors many of whom have not presented their credentials to anyone. Until that day when the trumpet sounds in that auditorium, what shall it profit you to antagonize any of these ambassadors when you know that one of the fastest-easiest ways to access the hearts and minds of the mortals is to go through Yeshua’s ambassadors? Truth be told, none of the elephants can annex this claim to divine calling as the Lord of the Palace 2008. How can Yeshua Amashua confuse us all by anointing 19 elephants to occupy a single palace?

b. Heaven is a Palace; or vice-versa

If you did not know, now you know. The Presidency is sweeter than anything on this earth. Add the White House, No 10 Downing Street and the Elysee, in terms of raw, pure, real ‘enjoyment’, none compares! If you were in the shoes of these elephants, you will also make a run for the Palace. If you enter the palace, your tears are over, PERIOD!!! There shall be no want for you, your wife, your concubines, your small girls, your children, your relatives, their friends and relatives and … Of course Ogyakrom has a constitution, separation of powers, judicial independence etc. If you are as smart as these elephants, you will reign as a monarch, i.e. a presidential king!!! We mortals have been primed to accept that, especially if you don’t rock the boat too much and allow a 'live and let live’ environment. Back in those days in Legon, there was a DJ in town we loved to hate. I believe he was called KKD. He used to say: “KKD is here, happiness is near”. I say, “the race is here, heaven is near”. All the King’s men are deeply motivated and salivating at the prospect of heaven on earth. That prospect should make a man do what an elephant will do in the same circumstances…make a run for it!!! Even Yeshua did not have the privilege of tasting heaven on earth!!!



c. Love for Ghana

This motivation must by definition apply to all of them simply because you are disqualified otherwise. How can you want to go to heaven when you don’t love Ghana more than 19,999,999 other citizens? All these elephants will therefore harp ad nauseam about their inordinate love for mother Ghana. Greater love hath no man than this, that he will lay down a fortune in resources to chase what for many of them, is essentially a mirage. But I go ahead of myself. I am told on authority that in Osagyefo’s days, when our big men met to think Ghana, you could bet your bottom dollar that about 90% of the resources ended up where they had earmarked it. In Ogyakrom of today, that may not be the case. Believe it if you may but none of the King’s men has an upper hand in this love business. All of us love Ghana. In fact I love Ghana so much that I have done a few things in the name of love for Ama Ghana for which the lashes are still raining down. All the elephants love Ghana. But it’s a moot point and should not be flagged too much or you’d risk a knock like K4 the Younger has been getting for daring to ask that someone shine a torch on the King’s men. He had completely forgotten that some of the elephants are virtually running naked and the only conducive environment is a bit of darkness. All of them are patriotic. All of us are patriotic. Patriotism won’t fly much!!!

d. The K4 Factor

Have you heard the one that says that K4 himself is the reason all these elephants have escaped the herd and are running ahead of the pack to the Palace? They say he has made the seat so desirable that all of them want to… Don’t blame them much. For some of these elephants who knew the Big Elephant in toto before coronation, they cannot help but feel that this race must be run at all costs. In fact, some may feel that if they knew that the journey will be this sweet, they would have jumped in the last time round and tried harder. Admittedly, His Excellency, K4 the Elder has made the throne very ‘palatably deliciously appetizing! K4 is the quintessential epitome of ‘ehia wo anwu’. He is also a concrete example of a man who never says die until the bones are rotten. If he didn’t have the guts, he would not be where he is. Imagine if he’d lost 2000. His life would have been caput. Chief may probably be paying pensions to him by now. Some of the elephants who fawn over him wouldn’t be that close. It was a do or die back then. Indeed, his situation then looked exactly like some of the elephants in the race today. But then see Yeshua Amashua’s Mighty Hand at work. At 63 thereabouts, Yeshua changes his destiny FOREVER. From left to right, PERIOD!!! Globe-trotting! All things at your beck and call! I mean ALL things!!! Old age recedes! Money flows waa, waa, waa!!! Diaspora family regroups at home in Ogyakrom to recoup! God is good, all the time!!! So some elephants look at K4 and feel, if Yeshua did it for him, He will do it for me too. If the Big Elephant made it from beyond zero, then I can make it from 4. But is it that simple? The factors that have made K4 and his era so juicy may not necessarily be the same for his successor. Some of the elephants have also tasted the crumbs and their chains have fallen. If crumbs can feel this good, what about the full meal? The K4 attraction may be contributing to the huge field but though it may motivate, it may have taken H.E. K4 the Elder loads more than just showing up and putting on the kente to take the Oath of Office. There must be something about the man that has made his office look so appetizing. The magnetism of the office has increased and that contributes to all elephants trying their luck.


a. Sunshine

If you want to have your bit of sunshine before it gets cloudy, step up now. Just declare that you are standing as a candidate. You don’t even have to be an elephant as they may have priced you out of the market and your neighbours will leak information that you are not serious. You may fly the cockerel, climb a coconut or even walk the tip of an umbrella. You are guaranteed front page coverage in the newspapers. You will get radio and TV interviews. Best of all, your face, warts and all, will be plastered around the country. A website guarantees visibility around the world. The real ambassadors (not yeshua’s) will get to know you. Some doors will have to open. You and your children may secure visas when it would have been otherwise. Doors open for aspirants. Ask them! During the race, for a few dollars more, you’d get a presidential feel. Bodyguards, bodygirls, cars, drivers, lackeys, drummers, chiefs, yeshua ambassadors, fetish priests, all hailing! Even state protocol may begin to invite you to state functions. Ask Grandpa. Check the grin on his face at a national function when the cameras come close. You can buy big man status in these hereabouts. This race guarantees all the king’s men that status, at least within the elephant herd. Remember some guy who declared, only to be declared nuts? At least he got to keep that morning’s edition of Daily Graphic for the next generation.

b. Insurance Policy

Are you still wondering why all the king’s men are still going for it? Well, the post K4 era bodes loads of uncertainty for some of these elephants. You can’t be too sure where your bread will be buttered in the next world. If you hang on quietly with K4 till his last day, you may be signaling your own desire to retire. In order to secure a small assurance about your post K4 scenarios, you ought to bring your constituency to the table. Most of these men seem to have no chance whatsoever. However, if the race could guarantee a place at the table on d-day, they could be at the table when chow time arrives in the new heaven. The present public nature of the race means that some of the elephants are only running to show their clout in the party. That may be the price of a ticket to an invitation-only meal in the post K4 heaven. They are just paying the premium for the insurance policy.

c. Old Men Cant Jump

I admit. I am young, brash and sometimes abrasive. I am restless about old men who just can’t make law work in Ogyakrom. I have not been able to understand why an old big man who has made his money and his fame already and is waiting to meet his maker cannot stand up for truth and principle. ‘Old men can’t jump’ goes to the younger breed of the elephants in the race. Some have been around the older bigger elephants and know (but they’d never admit it in public) that some elephants we fawn over are near basket cases. Some policy that may have killed the elephant at the polls never saw the light of day because some young elephant stampeded it out. In the quiet of some lovely bosom, he can’t help but wonder, is this it? The job must be easy and within reach then, abii? If these old elephants, whether under the influence or not, at close quarters don’t have the juice but still manage to run Gh. Inc. so well, then why not me? I wish all the young elephants in the race good luck. Please don’t listen to the venerable J.H. when he says it’s not a beauty contest. IT’S A BEAUTY CONTEST FOR ALL OF YOU. If you watch the Ms. Ghana show, you will be pardoned for thinking that it’s only the winner who won. She may be the one to get the TV, car, tickets, furniture and cash on TV but the losers are all winners too. A wily cash man comes to the event interested only in positions 4-7. If you are a visionary, you will know that sometimes number 4 gets more than Ms. Ghana herself. Car, house, TV, stereo, furniture and yeshua granting, wedding bells!!! You have nothing to lose by taking part in the beauty contest.

d. Na Money

For mortals like me, ¢250 million unGhanaian cedis or thanks to the trillion-shaving technology, GH¢25,000, is a princely sum. But that payment is a one-off cost. Now consider other expenditure on the race to heaven. Fuel, cars, bikes, TVs, T-shirts, drinks, goats and sheep x 230 constituencies x number of days on the road. Why will any man decide to make that spend with a smile? This race is not a win-lose situation for majority of the elephants. Assuming you manage to get a lot of money into your campaign kitty, you must by definition run. You have to run even if your own mama says you should not. This is a beautiful marathon where none of the racers will be tested for steroids. No one will ask you where, who, what, whom, which or when you got your money. There shall be no audit or accountability to anyone. The real job is to make sure the money has come in, whichever way. Then enter the race. When you lose, who would come to you to show your profit and loss account? So mortals go to sleep wondering about elephants and how they are only big but sometimes act in a manner not discernible to them. The racing elephants go to sleep knowing the race makes loads of sense. This is not a loss –making venture at all and will assure attractive returns on investments. Yeshua willing, even the ultimate may drop on your lap. You are investing in the most lucrative business south of the Sahara. Politics is the most rewarding venture at the moment, especially when you are in the governing party.

On behalf of Uncle Mac-Manu, I thank you all for your generosity, especially those of you who know, even in your sleep that the ¢250 million is a gift to the party!

Joe Aboagye Debrah Esq.
www.osimidiaries.blogspot.com
Accra