Run, Baby, Run; Part 2:

I am posting a hilarious yet instructive piece by my friend Osimi, whose satirical assessment of the presidential race of Ghana's ruling New Patriotic Party makes interesting reading.(The party's symbol is the elephant)

Osimi’s Quick Guide to the Elephant Racers

I have to apologise again. I have done a re-count of the names and I missed the gentleman lawyer of Esikado, Paa Owusu-Ankomah. I only remembered because since I begun drafting this piece bit by bit, I have been in Tadi and that’s when I realized his name had escaped me. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that despite all my efforts someone is missing.

Here’s my quick guide to the race to heaven. It’s my personal view and I will take on anyone who takes me on for expressing them. They are mine and mine alone and don’t even represent the opinions of the only people I can speak for without taking instructions, my manager and the two musketeers. The names appear randomly. Let’s start with H.E. Aliu:

Aliu

Even if he didn’t stand, he would have to stand. 8 years as an apprentice, nice image. Redemptive figure for the elephant. Yes, NPP has always been perceived as an Akan (graciously) or Asante (ungraciously) party. It’s a perception that won’t go away despite that the party’s antecedents show some of the Veep’s ilk in the thick of affairs. Here comes a golden chance to kill that perception for a century and two years. Will they take it? Aliu. Capable! Able! Mainstream! Moslem! Trained! I knew the man was serious when I saw his poster. He is the only elephant in batakari and kente on the same poster! But the Veep rides against the establishment. There are forces that’d be very jittery if he wins. The other elephants won’t admit it but they keep an eye on him. The Veep can win. He will give some people a good run for their money. His fate, like all the other elephants, will be decided when the trumpet sounds on that day. As a black man born in Africa, my mortal mind perfectly understand why he’s in the race. If not now, when? Mortals can understand!!!

Nana o, Nana

Suave! Been there, done that! Rumbled in the jungle and lived to fight another day! Strong personality! Very high profile figure! Known in Ghana and abroad! Top gun! Unfortunately lives in an environment where self-assurance is taken as cockiness or arrogance. Ghana needs a self-assured man as leader. Even a self-assured cockerel will suffice but self-assured he has to be. He makes the establishment-elephants and some say, K4 himself jittery. Why? I don’t know! Cannot possibly be due to the rumble in the jungle with K4. He has always been his own man but his track record has also shown that he is a team player. I have however been unable to visualize a K4 overhang on a Nana govt. That may be making some people in the inner chamber uneasy. He seems to be strong on the ground. I haven’t been able though to appreciate all those billboards all over the city and him holding his jaw, what with the wahala over the dentures and all. Mortals can understand!!!

Dan Kwaku Botwe

Kwaku Botwe seems to represent the purity of the elephant pre-adolescence. Is he the hope of the masses to get a ‘roots’ man into the palace? Admittedly has grassroots support but will only impact if the selection process is above board so that ‘rootsy’ folk can travel to the City for the bronya selection. Whether he can assure or ensure his grassroots men get appointed, selected or elected as delegates in this river of cash is another issue. Kwaku Botwe will represent a revolutionary choice against a perception of money bags warping and adulterating the minds of otherwise decent folk to do as money bids. Increasingly looks like an Nkrumah amongst UGCC bigwigs. The December beauty contest will be a battle for the soul of the party. Only discerning people may vote for him. The Botwe seems to represent the purity and virginity of the elephant. Whether the Virgins Club upsets the Old Whores is another matter. Has loads of street credibility but street credibility wins the main election but doesn’t guarantee you the party nomination. Perception is that he has insulated himself from the influences of Establishment and may not be a favourite of the Castle goons. Tremendous goodwill from the people is a credit balance in the account but unsure whether that will help clear the ultimate hurdle. May have been fired by H.E. K4 the Elder because he would not 'yessa' enough. Very bright hope for Ogyakrom whichever way you look at him. Will be back for another dance even if he gets stampeded by the other elephants. There is a hunger for clean government and he assures. Mortals can understand!!!

Alan Kyeremanteng

Poster boy of the campaign. Overheard two women in Tadi last weekend who had paused at an Alan poster: “papa yi nso no ho ye fewo ae”. I cannot remember how he came to be tagged as the moneybag of the race but that must be quite an achievement, granted that all elephants are spending like mad on this ‘brake-free/steroid-fuelled’ race to heaven. Good personality! Articulate! Must work harder to shake perception of being the Castle man. If delegates perceive the race as a battle for the soul of the party, he may lose out. At the moment, very visible campaign. Promises galore. Well oiled campaign which turns out people at every stop for their share. Few hiccups with the steering committee notwithstanding, he’s in a race of his life. Dodgy record on achievements. Even if doesn’t win, will live to fight another day. Just leave some of the cash for another day. And oh, beware of the 'Ntim kukrudu' as in earthquake. Everyone who wants to slap the president but cant even dream about it will use you as a convenient counterfoil. Slap Alan, slap K4!!! Mortals can understand!!!

Yaw Sarfo

Oyeadieyie! Oseeadeyo! Roots man! Some scary posters but can live with that because achievements overshadow everything else. Huge stature and an achiever. Proven himself in capacities held in the elephant govt. Also took fair share of the Rawlings lashes back then. Has paid dues to the party. Behind his back, the old whores complain doesn’t allow the juice to trickle down. Slight murmurings about the Macmillan saga but nothing has stuck so far. In the early days of the race, seemed to have bigger profile but appears to have lost juice lately. May be a strategy as the volume may be directed at the delegates and not the public. May also not be the choice of the establishment because he cannot be pushed around easily. Very shrewd character. May be deemed by the jittery bunch as a little too independent to be crowned “the Protector of the Spoils” in the new heaven. Its unclear whether can assure protection for the jittery bunch in the event of a hoopla post k4. Write him off at your peril because he is a roots man and can be adopted easily by mortals. At least his run makes Oda very interesting for 2008. Yaw Sarfo is my MP. The folks back home aren’t as complimentary as the early days but guess he is not bothered much as he’s playing for bigger stakes now. Yaw Sarfo can be President! Mortals can understand!!!

Hackman

An achiever. Major bulwark of the party. Has paid more than his dues. Also took fair share of the Jerry lashes. Lots of credibility with the masses. An acknowledged party bigwig. Accomplished enough for the job. Must be in the race or standing diminishes. Unable to place a finger on his chances. If he wins, no one must panic because he is capable. Hope he does not blow too much money on the race, though. Mortals appreciate his run!!!

Jake

Done his part for the party. His race a little puzzling, though but he is a strategist so all other elephants beware of Otanka. You write him off at your peril. Strong party man who managed two successful campaigns and efficiently. A fair chance in the race but seems to be a waste of money, time, money, space, petrol, t-shirts and more money. Smart Alec and may have his own reasons for joining the beauty contest. If he could, why not Jake? Mortals puzzled!!!

Frimpong-Boateng

Mortals scratching heads why he is in the race. Does not seem to have any apparent chance of winning but who told you he was in it to win? Seems to be enjoying the race, though. May be good for his heart. So serious that put his face round buses and vans. Give him a chance. After all, he has had his hair trimmed and looking presidential. Mortals definitely cannot understand why he is in the race to heaven!!!

Agyepong the Elder

Originally perceived as the joker in the pack, thrown in by the big man to test the waters for the establishment. Speaks very well from an assured position of no-contest. One of the saner heads in the race. I don’t know what he has done but his own constituents may have uncomplimentary things to say about his tenure as their watchman in Accra. His run may help ease X'mas woes for some party faithful but has always appeared very crafty and wise and doesn’t look like wasting his ‘acquired-immunity’ on a lost cause. Can be President but his era is gone with the wind. Adviser material for post k4 heaven. Mortals cannot understand!!!

Agyepong the Younger

For some of the reasons adduced earlier, can appreciate why he is racing. Only that he will never tell us the true reasons he is there. Been around the big guns who may have been firing gunpowder all along. If he felt completely overwhelmed by this big post, would he dare? Agyepong the Younger knows that the job aren’t scary and that he can do it. He has nothing to lose and may actually be enjoying himself. Will live to fight again another day, ‘whether weather’. This race is not a financial loss-maker for him o. An establishment turn-off but a straight talker. The kind we need as a people but may never have until they have been bitten by the bug and have forgotten their first love. Hope for years to come. Mortals puzzled!!!

Boakye Agyarko/Arthur Kennedy

Sorry guys, had to lump you together because you represent the same values for me. Good men may never win elections in Ghana! At least until we the people change, your kindred will suffer to ascend to heaven. Very fine materials but how can they wrap their American minds around the deal making and the back-scratching that steals the souls of all our leaders and make them lose the roadmap to heaven? How can these Americanos manage a zero to fifty percent tolerance scenario? It’s a bit like asking Bosummuru to be President of Ogyakrom. If we don’t kill him, he would kill himself! Sorry, folks, the party accepts your gifts this Xmas. The people appreciate your message but you come years ahead of your time. Your kind of presidential fodder is what we need as a people but the establishment wont let you anywhere near the throne. You know it. Come on and admit it! Maybe in another era when the old whores have been satisfied and can leave us alone, then we can rebuild governance on principles of law and justice and love for Ama Ghana and not the stomach. Certainly a lost cause for you guys. If you win, Ghana wins. But we mortals know that Gh. matters very little in this race. Thanks for keeping the smiles on your faces despite being aware that it’s a lost cause. You may all live to fight another day. You guys may be one of the few elephants burning biofuels in the race. You have no carbon footprints! Mortals will be praying for you. Mortals wish!!!

Mike Ocquaye

Lost cause. Baffling racer. May probably lose Dome if stood again. Has also been in the thick of affairs of the party from the beginning and may deserve his dance on the floor. Only upside may be a glance into the post K4 era and an acute awareness to re-position strategically to guarantee a foothold at the table. Hard worker in all respects. Just does not have that sparkle for a campaign. A proven survivor though. Also took his fair share of the Jerry lashes. Will not win and he knows it. If he wins, I will relocate to Odorkor!!!

K4 the Younger

An achiever. Nice poster. Only problem for him is that here in Ogyakrom, races have never been about issues. Its about personalities and when they are about personalities, big brother clouds the issues. The feeling is that all elephants chasing one illusive answer to hunger. You have got it in your backyard for 8 years. Mortals are aware leaders chop. You face a big hurdle to explain why the chopping bowl should continue to sit on that dining table. That’s the long and short of all your racing problems. Big brother has inadvertently caused you the job. You live in climes where the people cannot appreciate that your move isn't a dynastic exercise but a genuine desire to do something for your motherland. A friend who should know better keeps saying that out here, we inherit our brothers so big brother has worked on your behalf too. We accordingly award you with half of his goodies, I mean good deeds. Will that suffice, opanyin? K4 the Younger has performed well in his role in government. He is not tainted, yet. Makes people uneasy when he calls for light. Why would you call for light when some people around you are naked? Doesn’t seem to fear lights as seems to have no skeletons. The only problem is his link to K4 the Elder. People, come on. In Argentina, the President’s wife has won. The eating bowl didn’t as much as leave the kitchen table there. However, there may be deeper Freudian motivations for running. Very good material but wont win. Dynastic claims and unease of the establishment about the “ I am clean” claims not helping the cause. One of the better people who may never be king. Worth the run, though. Mortals appreciate his race. Never stop talking about the light, Sir!

Adjei-Barwuah

Guess you did not know there was a Japanese elephant until recently. He says he’d win, one touch. This is the most baffling racer after Nkrabea (has he filed?). Seems to be well known to the core NPP bigwigs. Very nice man. Yes, can say so because sat in his office in Tokyo this summer and never let on that he was coming down to waste his yen. Not much known about him but his posters all over town. Will spice people’s soups this x’mas but still unclear the motivation for the race. He will not win and he knows it. Wipe that grin off your face. You will be dumb if you think him dumb!!! This race makes loads of sense to him or he would not come all the way from Tokyo for it. Mortals have tried but still cannot understand!!!

The Captain

For the sake of yeshua amashua, PLEASE DON’T FILE! IF YOU HAVE, ITS NOT TOO LATE. GO FOR YOUR MONEY. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND AND HAND IT BACK. You have already run your race. Save the money for x’mas at Tuobodom!!! Mortals have not tried to understand because it cannot be understood!!!

Conclusion

So there you have it. For the discerning, you can see art even in insanity. My problem with the elephants is that the campaign has lost its indoors look and is now very public. If a candidate goes out and spends and draws loads of people and then later comes to Accra only for some cash-infested delegates to tell him that he could not run, what should he do? That will be the dilemma for a few of these elephants during x’mas 2007. The abiding issue for the elephants is how the old whores react when they perceive a winner as not fit to be crowned “Protector of the Spoils”. Thy old whores are the biggest threat to the race. But to all racers, thanks for spicing the tables of constituency chairmen and executives all over the country. Your largesse is deeply appreciated. You know you have made a positive change when you have lost but your t-shirt is someone’s Xmas wear to a convention hosted by an uncertified ambassador of yeshua amashua.

For the delegates, my simple message is this: “ vote for the man who promises least; he’d be the least disappointing!!!

And don’t forget Uncle Fiifi is waiting for you.

JOE ABOAGYE DEBRAH Esq.
www.osimidiaries.blogspot.com
Accra